Sunday, April 24, 2011

Why I love the city of Philadelphia and so should you

  • Because I do love Philadelphia. I may not say it, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel it. I'm just not the demonstrative type - alright? Will you just drop it? I already said I loved Philadelphia why do you have to make such a big deal out of it?
  • Philadelphia has historic buildings, beautiful architecture, blooming gardens, and glorious hidden side streets.

  • It also has unsentimental hoodlums who think that putting graffiti on fountains and littering is awesome.
Back of fountain on 9th near Pine
Front of fountain on 9th near Pine
  • But even the most hardened heart can admit that Philadelphia in the spring is a gorgeous gorgeous place.
  • Walk around the city or you'll miss out on sidewalk plots and impressive facades.
  • Watch where you're going. It might surprise you - but you're not the only person strolling on the sidewalk.
  • Do look at the window boxes. Rich people pay a lot of money to have them look so good.
  •  Stop in the middle of the street or sidewalk to talk or gawk. 
  • Take a duck tour and obnoxiously blow your stupid yellow kazoo. 
  • Hassle Philadelphia inhabitants while directing a bus tour by asking them for some M&Ms.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Philly Driving: Or I wouldn't have bought a car unless I was forced into it

I have a new job and it requires me to drive. On THE SCHUYLKILL. Which means nothing to those not from the area. But if you are from the area then you realized that having a 2 LANE HIGHWAY serving thousands upon thousands of people is not a good idea.

  • I hate other drivers
  • I have no depth perception
  • I curse like a sailor when I drive 
  • Driving in Philadelphia is a special sort of torture
  • Complain to the city of Philadelphia. The amount of potholes on our city streets is outrageous. Going down 21st street reminds me of this: (but with actual potholes and not in French)

  • Use your turn signal. It's not a choice. It will prevent accidents and me screaming and flipping you the bird.
  • Plan a playlist, listen to an audiobook or have satellite radio. It will make your idling in traffic slightly more bearable.
  • Let people in when lanes are merging. Really. It would make things go more quickly.
  • Have city street lanes defined. I have no idea which are one lane streets versus two lane streets until someone honks at me.
  • Take the Schuylkill between the hours of 6:30am-10am and 2pm-7pm. (Or at all if you can help it.)
  • Forget your GPS. It will help if you decide to take a "shortcut" off of I-76.
  • Weave in and out of traffic like you're at NASCAR. You're not. Also, you're going to cause an accident which will make me late for work.
  • Get behind a bus when driving in the city. They don't actually care that you're stuck behind them. 
  • Honk your horn in the city just because I'm not turning as soon as the light turns green - there's a reason and they're called PEDESTRIANS. THEY HAVE RIGHT OF WAY.